Wednesday, 31 March 2010

My 100th Blog Post

Wow. This is maybe one of the longest things I've ever kept up. I can't say it won't come to an end at any random time, sadly, but for the moment I will keep it going while I think I have anything worthwhile to say (though I suppose if I don't then I need to sort my life out)!

Anyway. I now have a lot more followers than I did, so I thought I would list my favourite posts, for people who will have missed them:

18th January: "An interesting, completely unexpected and quite embarrassing pub visit". My first 'story type' post. This shaped my blog, it was originally going to be me being emo.

22nd January: "FFFF: Famous Fit Female Friday". The start of my only (soon to be gone) feature.

31st January: "My Alcohol Collection and Shelf". This was my project for the start of the year. Build a shelf from scratch.

4th February: "Phileas Fogg and his WikiDiction Sentence". A sentence I added to Wikipedia a year ago, using as many big words as I could. It has since been used in quite a few other things.

13th February: "I couldn't think of anything to post today...". I think this was quite sufficient. And still makes me giggle.

24 February: "39) Start a clap after a plane landing". My story of when I completed the most embarrassing to date on the list.

2nd March: "A 'Behaviour Warning' From Sony". When Sony sent me an email telling me off. The most read post after the FFFF's.

10th March: "The Door Holding Game". A game you should all learn and play.

20th March: "The 12 Worst Song Lyrics Ever". A post I had planned for quite a while. Audio clips for the win.

I hope you enjoy reading any you might have missed.

100 Things To Do List - v4

The latest version of my 100 things to do list. I decided against adding streaking, at the moment. I may add it in future and then try doing it. Changes are in red!

Items on the list are things that either I want to achieve, grown up thinking I couldn't achieve or wanted to achieve, things that I find meaningful, things that when I think about or hear of make me feel good, but most of all, it must be possible, and if all were completed and I die, I would feel I lived a full life.

1) Do a 1000 piece jigsaw
A difficult one of a bull attacking a football game, which didn't have a picture on the box. Had help from mom, dad and nan.
2) Learn the guitar
3) Scam my way on the radio
4) Be on TV
5) Be an extra
Extra in Souled Out, and a government training video.
Ride a motorbike
Go jogging in a foreign country
8) Outrun the police
Young, drunk and streaking
Ride a banana boat
Volenteer for charity
11) Be on front of magazine
SixtyNine Magazine December 09, and BMs company magazine July 08.
12) Paraglide
13) Attempt an Iron Man Triathlon
14) Skydive
15) Paint a painting
16) Cut my own hair
17) Be on a TV gameshow
18) Go on holiday on my own
Sweden, July 2009
19) Climb Ben Nevis
20) Visit a big African jungle. Congo style
21) Cycle 50 miles
22) Break a world record
23) Run a popular website (over 1000 visitors a day for a week)
24) Learn to play steel drums
25) Live a day blind
26) Go to Stonehenge
Story here.
27) Get something published
28) Get to be in the top 10 at something in the country
29) Camp in a foreign country
Norway! May 2009
30) Build a house, or at least a shed, but not a packaged one
31) Get a degree
Completed September 3rd, BSc Computer Science (Software Engineering) at the University of Wolverhampton
32) Make a fire with sticks
33) Learn to backflip
Get a lift home from a police man
While walking back drunk from Stourbridge
35) Climb to top of Macchu Picchu
36) Make a good snowman
Me and Joe, January 2009
37) Have an IMDB profile
38) Have a Wikipedia page
39) Start a clap after a plane landing
Story here.
40) Learn to juggle
41) Get a word in the dictionary (maybe a word for nephews and neices? .. sublings?)
42) Build a boat
43) Make an acapella song and video
44) Get something patented
45) Go to John O'Groats
46) Go to Cameroon
47) See Greek temple ruins
48) Be part of a mythology role play (orcs and magic and stuff)
49) Walk into a country pub, dressed as a cowboy, saloon style.
50) Join a protest
51) Get on Google Street View
Go to a random gig
Patrick Wolf, with Melissa, May 2009
53) Join a riot
54) Get another middle name
55) Make a Macho Man costume
56) Have an MMA/Boxing fight
57) Go to a rave in a foreign country
58) Campaign for something (maybe business profits to be more freely available to the public?)
59) Befriend a big issue seller
60) Rock climb
61) Start a business
63) Crowd surf
64) Go to the Aral Sea
65) Learn the International Phonetic Alphabet
66) Get in the credits of a TV program or film
67) Set up a charity
68) Grow a proper beard
69) Learn sign language
70) Create a decent family tree
72) Learn to fly a kite
73) Become a moral invester
74) Sit in the cockpit of a small aeroplane or helicopter
75) Go inside the pyramids
76) Go over a big waterfall
77) Go in a hot air balloon
78) Fly a plane
79) Go wakeboarding
80) Build a card tower with 4 on the bottom
81) Explore 10 derelict buildings
82) Go white water rafting
My 21st bday!
83) Go white water rafting... abroad (always more dangerous)
84) Make a film
85) Make wine
86) Make jam
87) Find way around the UKs longest hedge-maze
Story here.
88) Find way around the worlds longest hedge-maze
89) Learn another language
90) Learn to ice skate backwards (and complete a lap)
91) Buy everyone in the pub a drink
92) Eat noodles in London
93) Hug a panda
94) Learn to pick some locks
95) Own a Bansai tree
Melissa bought me one, September 2009. Still alive as of January 2010
96) Go on a safari
97) Go to Asyut, Egypt
98) Be in a band and play a gig
99) See the Northern Lights
100) Complete 99 things on the list

Prague, Czech Republic: My Memoirs

The holiday started off quite adventurous with someone having an epileptic fit on the plane.

On the first night we got quite drunk in the rooms, using a £3.20 bottle of vodka and a £4.50 bottle of rum. I drunkenly threw myself around a bit much, cartwheels, handstands up walls, e.t.c.. until eventually I screwed my knee again.

After waking up with a hangover, we walked around the city, seeing the sites and stuff. On the second day, Leigh had had enough of walking, so we went into an Irish Bar while the girls went to the castle. We sat between two English stag groups.... during a football game.

It was pretty funny, they were having chant-offs, singing different football and patriotic songs... while me and Leigh sat there shocked. And then the penises started coming out... followed by cameras of females in the pub.

On the third day we did more pottering around. I quite like aimlessly walking around a city, with no real aim... I find I take more in, and find it a good time to relax and think, though Leigh wasn't too keen. I thought about how much Ash would love taking photos of the churches.

We had decided to go on a bar crawl on the third night. We went back to get changed, but ended up feeling like we had to finish all of the alcohol in the room. Can't let it go to waste. I would probably say that lead to me drinking more in this weekend than any other.

Obviously, Captain Vestman had to make an appearance.

But this time, he had a new nemesis/alter ego... Green Man.

After wandering around outside for a bit, Della noticed some people in a car watching. They flashed their lights... so I went over. He was there with a girl, obviously getting up to rude things. The guy was really confused, and said "What is this? Are there more of you?". I feel a bit bad for interrupting. Though I think he has quite a good story to tell people now.

We then watched out the window as he head disappeared and reappeared a few minutes later. I suppose that is a bit wrong of us.

By the end, Captain Vestman and Green Man had made peace.

All in all... the city was okay. It wasn't amazing, it doesn't slightly have the bars and clubs England does. The people seem quite nice, and the architecture is good, but there isn't that much to do.

Monday, 29 March 2010

Things not to do on Facebook #24

Comment a picture saying "You've lost a lot of weight"... without noticing the 'added 1 year ago'.

... ps. I get back from Prague in a few hours, hopefully.

Friday, 26 March 2010

FFFF: Reality Women - Announcement

This weeks FFFF will happen next week, due to me being in Prague (which I somehow forgot last week). Sorry!

Ps. You can still nominate by emailing me (

I'm on a Plane, Motherf*cker!

I am currently flying to Prague. Whoop. There won't really be any posts this weekend... even this one has been scheduled.

Thursday, 25 March 2010

Review: Kick Ass (by Carlos Lenkin)

In the last decade Comic Book movies seem to have reigned supreme at the box office; with more movie adaptations of beloved comic book franchises being churned out year after year.

But in the last few years, with the release of turkeys like Spiderman 3, X-men: The Last Stand, and the abysmal Wolverine spin-off, it seemed like the bubble might be bursting.
Despite, their healthy box office numbers, the films were met with damp criticism and it looked like the genre was tired and bound by conventions that audiences saw coming a mile away.

Step 1 – the origin story. ‘Ordinary’ guy gets special powers, and decides to become a superhero. He struggles with this, but in the end succeeds and things are left open to a sequel.
Step 2 – things get darker; the character has to come to terms with what it means to be a superhero. There’s less set-up, the action is usually amplified, and we meet some fan favourites from the series.
Step 3 – unable to think of more interesting territory for the hero, we see a rehashing of the previous stories, with far too many super-villains thrown in, presumably to distract the audience from the lack of plot or character arc.

But with Matthew Vaughn’s adaptation of Mark Millar’s comic book series Kick-Ass, it looks like the genre’s found new legs, and these legs aim to do one thing...

The story follows a regular teenage boy, Dave Lizewski (Aaron Johnson) who lives a typical teenage life, reading comic books, his only super power being that he is invisible to girls. This provides a picture of an average teenager that feels more realistic than not just any comic book film, but any film in recent memory.
He suffers the usual trappings of being a normal teen; he thinks about sex all the time, he gets mugged, and he can’t tell the girl he loves how he really feels. He even resorts to pretending to be gay to get close to her.

While the story does follow the origin story for superheroes that we all know by now, it revels in defying our expectations and going against conventions.
Case and point it Kick-Ass’s first foray into crime-fighting which involves him being stabbed and hit by a car, leaving him hospitalized.

As a result, he gains the closest thing to a superpower the film gets, metal plates in his body and numbed nerve endings, meaning he can take a beating pretty well; and he does take a hell of a beating throughout the course of the film.

Enter mob-boss and primary villain Frank D’Amico (Mark Strong), who thinks Kick-Ass is bad for business and wants him dead. Mark Strong yet again plays the villain well, easily switching between enraged mob boss, barking orders at lackeys, to protective but slightly disappointed father of Chris aka Red Mist (Christopher Mintz-Plasse).

Thrown into the mix are Big Daddy (Nicholas Cage) and Hit Girl (Chloe Moretz) who are the real deal when it comes to crime fighters. Armed with guns, knives, swords, grenades, they take down the scum of the city with much more aplomb than Kick-Ass himself.
Not to mention, they’re also absolutely insane. Big Daddy is a hero cop who’s out for revenge and has been training his young daughter to become a deadly assassin. As such, they’ve got a pretty warped dynamic; the very first time we meet them he’s pointing a gun at her.

Cage is spot on with his portrayal of Big Daddy, imitating Adam West’s mannerisms when he’s dressed up in his Big Daddy costume (which is pretty much a homemade Batman costume). He reminds us why he’s the a-list actor that he is; after taking roles that haven’t exactly been warmly greeted, he seems like he’s letting loose and plays the part to perfection, what else could you expect from a self confessed comic book geek?

Hit Girl though, is going to be the thing that most audiences remember about the movie, and indeed the thing that most conservatives are going to cite as reasons the film should be shunned.
To those people, it should be said that she’s not supposed to be setting an example for other children, she’s supposed to be this insane comic book character who’s been warped by a tough childhood. Besides, the movies a 15 and it’s a comic book movie which means of course it’s going to be over the top and violent.

Hit Girl is amazing! The character rules the majority of the films action scenes with a capacity for gun-fu, swordplay, acrobatics, and one liners; all of which add up to make an instant action icon.

It’s still Kick-Ass’s film though and far from being overshadowed by the supporting characters (which would be easy given the caliber on show here), Kick-Ass is the main draw here, and we follow him eagerly; it’s his story at the end of the day and he’s the one who’s got to prove himself as a hero.

The other hero of the film is the director Matthew Vaughn, who’s made his best film to date and shown that he belongs in the upper rung of modern directors working today.
Action scenes are all brilliantly shot and choreographed, with one particular stand out being a scene in which Big Daddy single handedly takes down a warehouse full of goons, with the camera capturing the hyperkinetic action in one long take.

Kick-Ass is an amazing achievement; the rights to the comic bought up before the first issue was even published, then after studio after studio said no to the project, Vaughn went outside the studio system to fund the film. And in doing so, he found the free reign to be faithful to the OTT nature of the source material.

Both Chris Nolan’s Batman films and Zack Snyder’s Watchmen explored the idea of superheroes without powers, but both those films while being impressive in their own way, were steeped in darkness and weren’t exactly fun.
Kick-Ass shows us that comic book heroes don’t have to be dark and brooding characters, the stories don’t have to be parables of 9/11 or the war on terror or anything that’s happening politically at the moment.

This film is a welcome reminder that comic book movies can just be fun... as long as they Kick-Ass too.

If you enjoyed Kick-Ass, you might enjoy Scott Pilgrim vs. The World, which is coming out later this year and is directed by Edgar Wright (Spaced, Shaun of the Dead) and stars Michael Cera (Superbad) as the titular hero.

Carlos Lenkin

Captain Vestman: The Comic

Sensible Ash, nominated best supporting actor (Captain Vestman, 2009), has produced a Captain Vestman comic. Pictures below:

Tuesday, 23 March 2010

Captain Vestman: The Movie

I have only just noticed I didn't make a post with the Captain Vestman movie. This was filmed in Norway (that's where all the budget went), at about 4am, while we were very, very drunk. Directed, produced and written by me (as it went along), with acting by Sensible Ash and Mike.

How it hasn't been nominated for any awards is beyond me. One day there may be a sequel in the works.

I will point out, to people that missed the point, the acting, camera cuts, etc are intentionally bad, and I perhaps don't slur quite as badly when I am sober.

Monday, 22 March 2010

To Streak, Or Not To Streak?

While sitting around watching football in the pub recently with my friends, we got onto the topic of streakers, and how there hasn't been a good one for a while. They then said I should run onto a sporting event, dressed as Captain Vestman, which would probably look something like this:

I am very wary of adding this to the list. First off, I'm not quite sure what the punishment would be. I don't mind a fine, or even being in a cell for a while, but I'd rather avoid a jail, or any criminal record that would make going abroad difficult. I wouldn't actually be naked so it shouldn't be too bad.

Also, I am trying to decide whether 'wtf-omfglmfao' factor outweighs the embarrassment. I love it when people run onto pitches, its hilarious... but I don't know what other people think.

So... should I add this to the list? And if so, what event should I try and crash?

And while I am on the topic, here is Karl Power, a famous 'pitch invader' who has managed to do things such as play a short game of tennis on the main court at Wimbledon, step up to bat for England at a cricket game, get on the winners podium after an Grand Prix... and most famously, get in the team photo with Manchester United (below).

Sunday, 21 March 2010

FFFF: Presenters (Results)

A well deserved win here for Rob H, with Elisabetta Canalis. You can tell a lot of work went into that montage, which more than doubled the points of second place.

Simon crawled back up the ranks after last weeks disaster, and will be hoping to be back at the top again soon. Decent results from the first-time-nominators.

Next weeks category: Women of Reality TV/Competitions (gained majority of fame through)

To nominate, email me with the name and picture ->

Points breakdown:
Elisabetta Canalis (Rob H) - 31
Rachelle Leah (Me!) - 14
Kelly Brook (Faker) - 14
Holly Willoughby (Melissa) - 12
Sara Carbonero (Gavin J) - 11
Laura Esposto (Simon) - 10
Georgie Thompson (Dave T) - 10
Jessica-Jayne Clement (Chris D ) - 8
Andrea McLean (Mark P) - 7
Fearne Cotton (Ajay) - 6
Alexandra Dinu (Matt B) - 4
Jayne Middlemiss (Anonymous) - 2

Saturday, 20 March 2010

The 12 Worst Song Lyrics Ever (With Clips)

I have been compiling my list of the worst song lyrics ever. I had quite a few that I had found, then some are from other lists I have seen. Unlike the other lists, I have provided a little clip for your enjoyment!

Des-Ree - Life
"I don't want to see a ghost. It's the site that I fear most. I'd rather have a peice of toast, and watch the evening news"
Wow. Maybe the best example of someone who went to the library to get a rhyming book. An obvious opening to this list.

Elton John - Your Song
"If I was a sculpture... heh... but then again no"
I could think of some amazing lyrics for this line... heh... but then again no.

Alizée - I'm Fed Up (English translation of J'en Ai Marre)
"It's not a problem, I lazy round. Bubbly and stubborn, I lazy round"
Even though I'm in love with her, I cannot let her slip by this list. She had to have fired her translator after this.

Owl City - Fireflies
"Cus I'd get a thousand hugs, from ten thousand lightening bugs... as they try to teach me how to dance"
I'll admit, this song is a guilty pleasure... but is there anything this guy says that isn't gay?

Owl City - Hello Seattle
"Hello Seattle, I am an albatross"
... apparently not.

Razorlight - Somewhere Else
"I met a girl, she asked me my name and I told her what it was"
Nice story, thanks for that, Johnny.

Kate Nash - Mouthwash
"This is my face, covered in freckles with the occasional spot and some veins."
Again, thank you. You should team up with Razorlight and make a song about about making bread pudding.

Kanye West - Through The Wire
"When the doctor told me I was goin to have to have a plate in my chin, I said dawg don't you realize I'll never make it to my plane now, Its bad enough I got all this jewelry on. You can't be serious man."
This guy loves himself too much. Look at him, showing his ability to not care about an operation, and still able to talk about his 'bling'.

Sade - Smooth Operator
"Cost to coast, LA to Chicago"
Someone get this kid a map.

Scooter - Nessaja
"It's not a bird, It's not a plane. It must be Dave who's on the train."
This cracks me up every time I hear it. Who the hell is Dave? Those crazy Germans.

Kanye West - Jesus Walks
"Harass and arrest us, saying "we eat pieces of shit like you for breakfast". Huh? Y'all eat pieces of shit? What's the basis?"
Its not a comeback if you actually say the line yourself, and in made up conversation, you silly douche.

Morrissey - King Leer
"Your boyfriend, he went down on one knee. Well could it be he's only got one knee?"
Yes... that is probably it. Well done Steve.

Notable mention:
The Kooks - Eddies Gun (acoustic - talking after the song)
"So erm. Very rarely when we do gigs we get to talk about the songs really, because, it's kind of just like... mayhem. So... this is 'Ooh La'... this is erm... this is about... this is-I dunno- I dunno what it is about really... just listen to the lyrics or something... it's erm... [unintelligible] .. err... heh heh heh... it's just erm... you know it's a song about ... you know ... getting... abused."

I think you have just demonstrated why you shouldn't bother trying to talk about the songs.

If you have any others please let me know in the comments.

Friday, 19 March 2010

FFFF: Presenters (Nominations)

This weeks FFFF (Famous Fit Female Friday) is Presenters, and there are 12 to choose from. Vote your favourite three by commenting below. On Sunday I will announce the winner, and the next weeks category. Anyone can nominate again next week!

A few new people nominating this week, such as Chris D, Mark P, and hopefully a weekly regular, Gavin J.

Returning this week is Ajay and Faker, along with veterans Simon D, Rob H and Matt B. Simon is hoping to get more than 1 point this week.

Sara Carbonero (Spanish sports presenter)
nominated by Gavin J

Fearne Cotton (English DJ)
nominated by Ajay P

Elisabetta Canalis (Italian TV presenter)
nominated by Rob H

Kelly Brook (English presenter)
nominated by Faker

Laura Esposto (football presenter)
nominated by Simon D

Alexandra Dinu (Romanian TV presenter)
nominated by Matt B

Georgie Thompson
nominated by Dave T

Jayne Middlemiss
nominated by Anonymous

Holly Willoughby (English TV presenter)
nominated by Melissa B

Jessica-Jayne Clement
nominated by Chris D

Rachelle Leah (UFC presenter)
nominated by Andy J (meee)

Andrea McLean
nominated by Mark P

Get your votes in by commenting below. Remember, vote your top 3.