Wednesday, 6 June 2012

Riviera Maya, Mexico: My Memoirs

On the 19th April 2012 I went to Mexico to get married. I didn't expect many would be able to come along, but I was really happy when my usual holiday friends, Craig (and his girlfriend Charlotte), Liam (and his girlfriend Laura), Mike, Ash and Craig said they would come, joined by my long time good friends Leigh and Neil. Brandi also had a couple of groups of friends coming. Including our families, there were about 36 at the huge, all inclusive resort with us.

Free food, free alcohol, and great people. This lead to the greatest holiday possible! Here are my memoirs:

- The longest flight of my life. Made shorter by being told I could move to lay across 3 empty seats. But made longer by knowing I was only a few hours from seeing Brandi.

- Getting into the hotel and meeting my friends on the first night. The awesome realisation that I could order whatever drinks that I wanted. Even though they tasted the same, I tried to order the most expensive, so I felt sophisticated.

- Going to Tulum and Coba with my friends. The ruins were pretty awesome to see, but most of the day was spent laughing at a German girl, whose male-relation-that-we-couldn’t-determine kept taking photos of her while she did the funniest model poses everywhere. Coba was really awesome to climb though, and look across all of the forest.

- Going shopping in Playa Del Carmen. We bartered with the Mexicans who said Ash's sunglasses were Mr Plastic Fantastic. After getting them down from $70 USD to $7, Mike's sunglasses came apart about 200m from the shop.

- Playing Drinking Poker to get pre-drunk before we went out. It all seemed like a good idea until we found out a mexican ‘shot’ is so much bigger than ours.

- Going to Coco Bongos! Probably the greatest 'club' I've been to. We had VIP tickets, which meant we had our own area, and a waiter to bring drinks all night. So many tequilas! The show was amazing, but it was better to watch how annoyed Liam looked when it started with Phantom of the Opera and Chicago, but how his smile gradually got bigger as they had Beetlejuice and others. One highlight being Craig taking off his top, one of us hiding it, and him nearly getting thrown out for violating the dress code.

- Taking advantage of free room service after the night club. I forgot it would mean I'd have to stay up an extra 30 mins for them to make the food.

- Going to the beautiful water park Xel-Ha. We went down the slowest river on tubes, and had a Royal Rumble on a floating platform. We went into a cenote, and I held a parrot and a toucan. I also did a double somersault dive from a 7 metre jump. Walking around was extremely painful with how hot the ground but. I ended the day by falling asleep in a hammock with Brandi.

- The many nights in Cougar Bar, aka Shaguars, aka Jaguars. The phone call at 3am from Ash, who got epically cock-blocked by three security guards threatening to arrest him for trespassing.

- The really nice French restaurant, having French Onion Soup, Filet Mignon and Creme Brulee. The awesome Brazilian restaurant with the 7 types of meat. So much steak!

- Going to my first lesbian wedding! I nearly got teary. For the starters I enthusiastically ate all of my strange "mushrooms on pastry", and even started to eat Brandi's, which she hadn't touched. Half way through hers, she said "I wouldn't have thought you'd eat snails...". I was nearly sick.

- The Wedding!

- Going to Cozumel with the ferry rocking on the waves. Taking part in the Amazing Cozumel Race. Me and Brandi were on different teams, and her team cheated us out of 3rd place. We’d win if we were together ;).

- Playing Water Polo. Two fat American guys, and two Mexican’s joined us that worked for the hotel. When we finished, the one really good Mexican player got out, swapped into tight white cowboy trousers and hat, and started dancing next to the pool, becoming the most flamboyant gay in Mexico. Afterwards, we played in the pool and took awesome pictures.

- Swimming in the cenote in full suit for the Trash The Dress photos. Brandi forgot to pack my shirt, so I had to wear the photographer’s (woman) tight white shirt. I also got to recreate Jack walking out of the sea in Lost.

- The hilarious jokes about the ‘school of fish’, ‘karaoke opera’, and ‘salt Peter, pepperoni’.

- Playing 10 man Battlehsots!


- Our night on the beach, dressing as the Vestman Army, playing ‘I Have Never’, and grappling with Laura. Leigh getting ‘door-knobbed’ and chased around the beach.

- Going to the Japanese restaurant where they put on a bit of a show while cooking. We sat next to a nice Canadian couple and watched the chef flip things into his hat and set things on fire. It was all going well until I went to the bathroom, and Brandi awkwardly told them about how we met online, got engaged fast, and married a year later.

- Going skinny dipping with Brandi after one of the clubs. We must have been swept along the sea a bit, because it took us ages to find our clothes, and a group of people, and a man sweeping sand saw us.

- The nice wildlife around the hotel. The really nice iguanas, and the weird light-up flies (that didn’t seem like normal fireflies).

- Going to the club and deciding I like opera-style music, when performed by 3 Mexicans.

- Neil never being seen without a Pina Colada in hand.

- Getting a couple’s massage, and having a Mexican woman whisper in my ear while rubbing my bottom.

- Playing different games around the hotel, like flooded mini golf, table tennis, basketball, water basketball, and giant chess.

- Mike finally climbing to the top of a palm tree on our last night